It frightens me to say that I’m excited for 2019. It scares me to say that 2018 has been good to me and that I’m looking forward to what 2019 has in store. Why does it scare me? Why does the admission make me want to take cover? Because I’ve felt this way at the year’s transition before—settled, happy, optimistic—and it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. You see the last time I put my faith into a new year, it was 2016. And 2016 let me down—2016 left me paralyzed. So I am skeptical.
This eerily similar mindset towards the new year stimulates anxiety within me that makes me feel as though my positive reflections of a year left behind—and purposeful outlook of the year ahead—are not indications of personal satisfaction or growth, but are only the elements of a trap awaiting my arrival. What is hiding in the wings to knock me down again? However, logic tells me that there is no connection between a positive outlook and the strike of disaster. And the fact that logic can overpower my anxious mind is in and of itself a huge win for me.
So even with some anxiety-fuelled trepidation, I am able to tell you that 2018 was good. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but it was good. Unlike 2016, I don’t feel the need to get as far away from it as I possibly can. Unlike 2017, I don’t feel as though I’m constantly two steps behind my injury—always playing catch up. No, in 2018 I found the other side of grief. I found a sense of control over my life and reached an understanding with my paralysis and the role it plays in my reality. My frame of mind is in a good place for a transition.
I went into 2017 without trepidation just to be able to say the worst year of my life was behind me. I didn’t have a vision for it or a purpose beyond survival—it was solely an escape. When 2017 proved to be safe and somewhat stable, I became terrified of 2018 and the changes it would bring—most notably, my husband going back to work. The transition to 2018 was nothing but a necessary evil. But now, for the first time since I walked into a new year, I’m looking forward discovering 2019—wheels first. I’m excited to see where it takes me and what I can achieve.
It is calming and satisfying to be able to leave a good year behind you without feeling a sadness for it’s end. To move ahead without fear, and to be filled only with curiosity and excitement for what the unknown year ahead will bring, makes the transition all the more welcoming. Maybe this is what it feels like to live in the moment. If only we could always live in the moment.
I want to wish all of you who read and follow my blog a very happy new year! I hope 2019 serves you well. May you have minimal complaints and instead find yourself feeling fulfilled and thankful as we venture once again around the sun. Cheers!