Home Coping & Grief Hello My Old Unwelcome Friend

Hello My Old Unwelcome Friend

by

There is a quiet knock on my door. I convince myself it’s nothing even though I know you’re out there. But, you see, you’re very controlling and the last time you came in it took me years to fully recover. I’m going to try and ignore you – pretend you don’t exist – but I’ve dealt with you enough times to know you don’t leave on your own accord and will manipulate me until I take a stand. Even from the outside you have begun to entangle me in your own version of my reality.

You knock a little louder but I cannot answer. My life has changed a lot since the last time you were a part of it and I’m not sure I have the capacity to deal with you as well. I have made it a priority to keep you at bay and even though I’m older – stronger – than the last time, your presence here makes me feel young and naïve. I remember the hold you once had on me and as I question whether or not I could survive it again, I realize you have already tightened your grasp. I have been second-guessing everything I’ve done to pick myself up and move forward and remember that is how you operate – by making me question myself and by convincing me that I am incapable.

The knocking continues and so does your quest to undermine me. I choose to look for the good in my life and you tell me that there is none. I want to be active and present with my children and you remind me that I will never be the mom I always hoped I would be, so why bother? My alarm goes off in the morning and you convince me that I won’t be missed if I don’t get out of bed that day. I try to reach out to people I love and you have me believe that nobody will reach back. I feel determined to live a life that may be different but still full and you repeatedly point out that it is too difficult, too awkward and too exhausting – it is too much.

You knock louder and louder. I tell you to go away but you are persistent and ignoring you is no longer effective because other people begin to notice. I begrudgingly open the door to acknowledge your presence.

Hello depression, my old unwelcome friend. It’s been a while.

You are familiar to me and I hate you for that – a sign of too many battles fought with you. However, unlike our past encounters, you haven’t consumed me yet. I can still look in the mirror and see past the lies you tell me. I suppose one of the perks of getting to know you so well over the last 20 years is that I’ve learned your tricks. On some level, I’m always expecting you. But you can stop knocking now because I’ve let you in. Just don’t plan on staying too long because, this time, I’m ready for you.

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8 comments

christiancudo July 24, 2018 - 10:48 am

I saw this blog on your Instagram post and I just wanted to say I love it! completely understand where you’re coming from. I am 19 years old but I was in a car wreck at the age of 4 which left me paralyzed from the t-2 level down (about nipple level lol). In my experience I’ve often felt alienated from society because of being in a wheelchair. I don’t want to tell you what to do of course, but I honestly suggest talking to some of your close friends or someone you trust about this. For example, I do sometimes feel alienated from society. I’m very active, I worked out, and I even do public speaking. I often get a lot of praise for this and people tell me I am inspirational, but when you’re in a wheelchair Surround by people who can’t walk, you just feel left out. When I started telling my best friends how I feel, and I don’t mean just tell them I’m depressed I mean actually tell them every bit of detail, I started feeling so much better because I felt like people understood me more. As far as Physical limitations you just have to stay strong and not beat yourself up about it. I always tell people “nothing in life is a big deal unless you make it one” I really hopes this helps 🙂

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Codi Darnell July 24, 2018 - 10:51 am

Thank you! I’m lucky to be surrounded by a lot of love and a lot of people I trust to share my feelings with.

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Gregg July 24, 2018 - 10:55 am

THIS!!!! SO MUCH THIS. Keep writing it is real talk like this that speaks to so many. I’ve seen you depression and come at me bro because I’m ready!! Thank you so much!!

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sheri777 July 24, 2018 - 12:47 pm

🙏

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helensamia July 25, 2018 - 2:33 am

Yes sadly I too have dealt with this unwanted friend in my life more than once … the most imortant thing is to know when to ask for help

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Sher July 25, 2018 - 2:04 pm

This one hit me hard. Right where I’m at😥

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Gene Kulic July 29, 2018 - 11:33 pm

AMAZING

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Miguel July 30, 2018 - 9:26 am

I’ve joked with a few of my friends that we should go somewhere where we can rest and relax while our demons go out and play together. I’ve also developed a relationship with my demons. No, they aren’t friends. Let’s go with acquaintances. I feed it medication and we get along. In Mehta mind, depression is always there, but now it behaves.

Best wishes beautiful…

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